My Awesome GeoCities Tribute

2024-08-13

English is not my native language. Typos may or may not happen.

Having random thoughts at 5:39 AM. Why? I don't know myself, to be honest. But for some reason I want to.

I need to do something about my sleep routine. Because falling asleep at 7-8 in the morning is not normal. Yes, usually my working day starts at 3-4 pm (and even so I sleep less than 8 hours, which is not very normal), but there are exceptions when I need to get up early, at 9-10 am. And what do we get? That's right, 1-2 hours of sleep. And the end of my shift is only at 11 p.m. and what happens in the end? 2 hours of sleep for 13 hours of work. What a fucking piece of shit.

I need to find a hobby or do some kind of project. Yes, work is good, it's giving me money, but after work, except for sleep (and there's actually nothing to count), I sit idly at my computer all the time, playing games or watching videos. I've been wanting to learn to play guitar or drums for a long time, and I want to learn Japanese. I want to make a game, and at least good, and not some shit or 5 minutes. But I'm constantly lazy, or I don't want to, or it's difficult, or there are no resources, in general, I constantly postpone for some not so good reasons.

No matter how much I deny it, I need a relationship. And a permanent one. This solves two problems at once: loneliness and boredom, although it seems to me that one problem follows from the other and vice versa: I always sit alone and therefore I am bored; I do not do anything and therefore I cannot find people with common interests. And I don't mean exactly a romantic relationship. I would like to make at least a couple of friends in the irl to go somewhere, chat on common topics, and all that. But there are also pitfalls here: firstly, what is interesting to me is interesting to almost no one, and accordingly, what is interesting to most is not interesting to me at all. Here I either need to change my interests, which is quite problematic, or search, search and search again. And secondly, I'm a pretty closed person myself and I can't just talk to a person, even fucking online. Not in voice chat or on the phone, even just in messages it's very difficult for me to have a dialogue. "What if I write him something that he doesn't like? What if he has a completely different view of things? Will he be mad at me if I write him this, or is it better to write like this? Or maybe he doesn't want to talk to me at all?" Therefore, in dialogues, I always act as a neutral party first, and then try to adjust to the interlocutor. And I also consider this a problem, because how can a person find out something about me if I hide myself and copy his manners?

Speaking of chats: I've been wanting to apologize to one person for half a year for my behavior in one incident, after which we stopped communicating, in fact, by the way, on my initiative. I was very angry at the time, and I wasn't very friendly during the communication period, but I still didn't understand why I was doing this. I didn't have a specific reason, and so far I haven't found it. However, this incident happened more than a year and a half ago, and accordingly, I now think that it would be very strange to start communicating again now, and I would really like that.

I've been scribbling this wall of text for half an hour, even though I could sleep. Even if I fall asleep at the same second and wake up exactly at the moment so that I can make it to my shift, I have 3 and a half hours left to sleep, which is not enough to last a 13-hour shift even with a break of 1 hour. I hope that what I have said about many thinking here will help me free my head at least a little and try to fall asleep.

2024-05-29

Interesting fact: this is the first time I'm writing entry for the "blog" not in the night time. Okay, maybe its not, but it definitely is first time I'm writing it right after me waking up in the morning.

For some years of my life I've learned to let go of the past. Probably because that past wasn't really thing I liked. I mean, things I like isn't in the past but in the present with me. But there is one thing I have doubts for. Well, it's right to say it will be not thing, but human. A female one. Wow, isn't that a surprise! Honestly, she wasn't the best human I've ever met, far away from it actually. But she might be the only one who could understand me. We don't actually had much in common, hell, it's hardly anything, but from what I've understood in people I met, the best relationships I was able to find with people is with those who also have mental disorders. And oh boy, she was the one, I swear. We're talking about the drugs and light hallucinations level, at least, from what I've learned. As I say, from the human side she was really bad. Not the worst I've met, but anyway. Remember the time I was writing about my past, where I was kicked out from the aparts because of my friend and his girlfriend wasn't paying the rent to the landlord, while I continued sending them my part? Yeah, she is the one. And yet somehow, for the year of my life with that person, I've already attached to her somehow. The next thing you will read here may seem strange, but listen me out: I've already left osu! (rhythm game I'm playing for 6 years now) several times because of how it bad and such. And yet I'm still returning to it because it is actually not that bad. And for her, i think it's the same. Almost the same, because i didn't call her my friend's girlfriend. I unfortunately don't have a chance for coming back. On one hand, i can't really blame myself for it, because she made her choice way before we even shared the aparts. But on the other hand, it was me who cut her from my life. We could stay as friends at least. And i don't think i can just start texting her for something, 'cause we don't even have anything in common (well, except for mental disorders, of course). And the most interesting part: why i even start to write this entry. I may have some minor sleep disorders, and my dreams is kinda strange. Maybe someday i will start recording them, but that's not the thing i wanted to talk about. In my sleep, i see many random people, some of them i have contacted irl, some not. But there is some people i see every dream. The first one is my good friend i see pretty often, because we live in one apartments. But from not so long ago, i started to see one more human every dream. And you guessed it right - it is she. And somehow only now i realised, that i miss her. If i could change some things in the past (there isn't much actually), that will be one of them.

2024-01-20

Oh god, it happened again.

Yes, it's really was almost a year and a half, but honestly, I don't care, and you are too. Basically, I thought it would be a good idea to fill that empty "blog" of mine with everything that happened to me in that time. Well, let's try "Total Recall".

At the moment of writing my last entry, I was unemployed, had no money or any instructions how to live. I was trying to find some job at my town, to at least have some food. I tried to work in call center for some company. All we should do is offer credit to some random people.

I trained the whole week, and then our group was told that they won't hire anyone at the moment, so our employer gave us some more places, which were: telecom company, some ski resort, and something else, honestly, I don't remember. So I tried telecom. And you know what happened? Exactly the same. I don't know what companies they were offering next, because I just left the call. After all of that, I tried to get employed at other telecom, but that was actually in my town, so I hoped that at least it will be okay. Oh boy, how naive I was. Two days of training and I was ready. But at the end of the first day my supervisor gave me a stack of papers and a bottle of glue. Those papers were the ads. She told me that I should go and stick it on basically every door of my house, and that will help my paycheck to rise. I understand that because of this, more people will see the ad, and more people will contact us, but why me, a call center operator, should do that? So the next day I just didn't go there, and deleted every contact of that company. A month already passed, and I still didn't have any money, except like 11$ in a month from employment bureau, thanks to stipen. And on that last money, I moved to the city I graduated, and my friend invited to work at the place he was (and actually, still) employed. Also my other friend invited me to live together, so rent was not that much, but there will be some shit, don't worry :) The place my friend invited me is some radio parts store, at which he was working as repair shop foreman (yes, there is also a repair shop). I tried to go there, but there was no vacancies, so the shop part hired me. It was actually really good place to work, there was nice people, an understanding boss, theme I was interested (and still), and actual paychecks. And I actually liked all of that, and also I lived with my really cool friend. Well, there was some little disadvantage - with my friend there also lived his girlfriend. At first we had good relationship, but time passed, and I realised that this girl is really bad as a person. And after that I also was scammed for two rents by herself. And I basically needed for one day find money for new apartments, find that apartments, and move all my things there. Somehow I succeeded and everything started to get better. Didn't worry (haha, jk, I know you didn't care), they returned me my money. But some more time passed, and i started to noticing some shit happening at work. The manager was drunk often, HR were unhappy with us for some reason, I couldn't get my vacation for like 9 months from employing date, paychecks were becoming less and less. Also at the time I actually got my vacation (which was actually only one week and not two) my landlord told me that I need to leave the apartments. I asked my friend, which still work in that company, if I can stay at his place for like two weeks, and he agreed to help me. Well, actually, I lived there for like 3 or 4 months, but I was paying rent, so everything was okay. So after like 10 or 11 months total of work, I left. Well, actually, I was fired for truancy, which happened accidentally, but I wasn't unhappy with it. After that I unsuccessfully tried to find some job for a month. I started to worry that I won't be able to pay rent, so I tried every place that was hiring. Somehow my mother found that and invited me to work with her. It was plastic products manufacturing plant, and they were hiring "an adjuster for brush equipment". I didn't had any experience with machines before, and honestly, all that shit seems to me not really interesting. But I didn't have another choice, so I go there. It was like October 3rd or smth. And somehow, I still work here, and it actually really cool and interesting. And also a month already passed from the moment I actually found and rented some good apartments with my friend. So maybe my life is actually will be better from now on. At least, I hope so.

Also I started my Telegram channel, in which I'm posting some cringe from my life, and somehow it still happens enough often.

And yes, this was all things that happened to me for that year and a half. Guess I'm not really an interesting person.

2022-09-02

I just thought about finding some people with common interests. it's not like I don't want to talk with my current friends, I really like it. but we have a very small range of themes to talk, because they like one type of things, and I like another. and it is really rare for us to find some common theme to talk. that's why I want to find some people I can discuss things I like, like osu! and other rhythm games, some retro stuff like 3rd and 4th generation consoles' games, maybe some Japanese music too, especially vocaloid ones. but at the same time I understand that it's really difficult to find that people, and even if I will find some, I don't think I'll be chatting with them even for 2 days. it's more likely will be one-evening talk or smth like that.

2022-08-30

Actually, it is already 2022-08-31, 47 minutes past midnight, but who cares

hello, my dear reader. i just wanted to do some "shitlongpost", so here it is

At this point I don't know what I'm doing with my life anymore. Sometime back I said to myself, that no matter what, I won't drink alcohol and I won't smoke cigarettes and other stuff. And I was pretty sure about that. And now I'm writing this just after smoking another cigarette. I know that it is bad for my health and shit, but im just continuing doing that. I may have an addiction, but I understand that as soon as I won't have money for another cigarette pack, after two or three days I'll forget about my smoking addiction. that's actually really bad, 'cause as long as I have money, I'll buy more. same with alcohol, but it is too expensive to drink it everyday, so I drink it about once per week. cigarettes is different. there is like 20 per pack, so I can have it for about 4 to 6 days, depends on how much I want to smoke. now I have about $4 on my balance, which is enough for one more pack. but if I'll buy it, I won't have money for food. so im trying to save current pack as long as possible. I have like 4 cigarettes remaining and I think, tomorrow I'll smoke it all. it's not like I can, it's more like I need. I've tried to stop smoking, and I succeeded one time. but that happened because I was living with my mother at that moment, and I couldn't let my mom know that I'm smoking. I had like 12 cigarettes left, and I just gave it to my friend. now I'm living in another place, which means no one is knowing what I'm doing. that's good because nobody is controlling me, but at the same time this is really bad, because the last time I cleaned my apartments was just before my relatives come to visit me, and that was like two weeks ago. now it's just a mess. I'm really getting very lazy, like I don't want to cook, but I cant afford it to go buy some. so im just sitting hungry. I have enough food for life, and still I cant force myself to even fry some potatoes or eggs. it's like 5 to 10 minutes. I can't live alone, I need someone to control me at least for basic stuff like that. I thought that living in a dormitory was really bad because of all restricts they have, but now I realise that I need to be restricted. not that much, but at least some. and I can't invite someone to live with me because the apartments I'm living is not mine but my mom's. I lived here basically most of my life, but with someone: mother or brother. don't get me wrong, it's cool to live alone, I just need somehow to understand how to force myself to do basic stuff, like cleaning, laundry, cooking. and for now, the simplest way to do it is to live with someone who will force me.

I wanted to tell more about what happened since previous entry, but as usual, I don't think something interesting happened, so I won't write about that here.

2022-05-02

Ah, yes, finally one more "blog" entry. well, actually not, because i finally added entries for 2022-02-25, 03-02, 03-31 and 04-06. also i updated my anime journal by adding two anime series and one manhwa (it's like manga, but korean).

Well, i definitely need to write about past days, but, you know, there isn't really much. As you already know, there is game named Quaver. and i really like it. so, in about month ago, my friend started play it, and he liked it too. then, a day or two after this, my other friend also started play this game. and about week after that, my third friend started to play! what's a combo! well, i can't say how long they will be playing, assuming they are the same people who was playing osu! with me a year ago, i guess? but at least one of them is not gonna give up, with 90% chance, i think. well, about my own achievements, i'm now at 285 place in Russia, the country i live. and also in 12k-13k place in the world with ~312 rating points. cool, i guess?

I can't remember smth more that is really important or at least interesting. really, i just don't remember anything worth writing about. so, yes, no shitlongpost this time, sowwy~

2022-04-06

6:32 am

I FUCKING HATE ALCOHOL

8:09 pm

okay, that was rude. i need to explain that with some details.

well, basically, i got intoxicated from an alcohol and i threw up. after that i immediately wrote first paragraph, and after that, i threw up one more time. this was... an interesting experience. can't say i like it, but now i know how much i may and can drink alcohol.

2022-03-31

2022-03-02

i've just realized that i have this website more than a year. cool, but also bruh.

2022-02-25

I've finally found what i wanted to find. Thanks a lot, my friends. Now if I will die, I will die in peace.

haha, just kidding! sorry if you feel cheated rn, but bruh, i should to give a hope at least once. yes, maybe i found what i wanted, but definitely don't get it. but now at least i know that i won't get that, so i still can die in peace.

and, of course, the only cause of all that happened to me is definitely myself. no more people, animal or things could change that.

2022-02-20

oh boy, it's time for another long shitpost, yay! i'm feeling so bored right now. and i don't even understand why or am i really bored or just exhausted. i also may or may not be sick. i'm not sure in anything right now actually, what the fuck? the thing is i don't even understand how i get that. we were playing some PC games with my friend, and suddenly, this happened. there is really no reason for this, but somehow it is here. i played some osu! and even set some cool score (still with shit accuracy, but anyway) and it even helped me. at least, for a few minutes. my friend gave me some drugs, so maybe it will help. and for now, let's check some things i get since the last shitlongpost.

i farmed 1.5k pp at osu! mania. i'm at ~1580 pp rn and gained 92k+ rank. cool, but i don't think i will be able to pass harder maps, so i think i stuck in rank again, this time in 90k. i actually have some really good passes in that time, you can watch some of that at my youtube channel. speaking of which,

i resumed my youtube channel's activity. now there is at least 2 videos per month. cool, i think. i know there is still will be a long break again, but i will try to push that as far as i can. i want to post some non-osu videos, but my PC is too shit for recording. i'm making my osu! videos by special program "osr2mp4". this thing automatically convert your osu replays to videos with any parameters you want. you can choose skins, scoreboards, interface and even enable pp counter. there is one problem: it can't convert osu!mania replays. so, with osu!std it's no problem, but with mania, i need to ask one of my friends to help me with that. yeah, they basically record my mania videos and then send it to me, and after this i post that videos on my channel. there is already 3 or 4 replays that i want to publish, but i don't want to force my friends to make my work instead of me.

i finally have a stable internet connection. that means i don't need to overpay my phone to have an access to the world wide web.

i started to play mobile gacha game. i can't even install this game to my phone, so i'm forced to play with an emulator at my pc. it is pretty good, but i think there is too much time need to play the game as it should. i don't have that much time or just don't want to waste so many time for that. there is some cool mechanics actually, and it is pretty interesting in general, so i think i will waste some more time for that. oh, and just one more detail: this game is in TouHou setting. awesome. now i have my own Gensokyo girls, and they are fighting. cool! at least one really cool thing happened to me.

and... is that it? i thought it will take some more time to write this. i mean, why is there no interesting things in my life? my whole life is just playing some osu, writing some stupid web pages and that's it? bro, that's so boring, now i know why i am feeling so bad right now.

2022-02-17

i've just read the whole of my blog. bruh.

2022-02-12

i'm not a good rice player.

i'm not a good LN player too.

who am i

why is osu so hard

help

2022-01-06

so, hi again.

it is strange to say "again", if i never said "hi" before here. but anyway. it is 2 am now, january, 7th, 2022. i'm bored. all i can say now is how was my day, but i really don't want to tell that. why? because "shit happens". and i will decide, do i need to post this shit here or not. and for now, that is definitely "no".

so, let's talk about new year. the celebrating was... ok. i travel to my grandpa two days before new year, and we decided that we need at least some good fucking food. so, we made cutlets (wait, is that really a word?). and yes, this is basically all we had for the new year. i also made myself a coffee and poured it into a glass instead of some shit that should be there. then me my whole family had a whatsapp call, because we couldn't get together. there were six places (including mine) where my family members were broadcasting from. so, yeah, it is really hard to get us together. the holidays were normal, before today. there are some family conflict, so i won't write about it. i hate conflicts actually. i am not really a good or friendly person, but i really hate conflicts, especially if it is conflict in my family or between my friends. there is always some shit left, and everyone is sad. i hate that. why people can't just be careful of what they saying.

my holidays will end at january, 11, and the next day i need to be in college, so i think maybe at that day or the day before it i will travel back to my dorm. hope everything will be ok until that day.

i don't think i've ever write that here, but thank you for reading.

2022-01-02

coffee is cool. panic attack is not.

2021-12-24

I'm finally a 5-digit in osu!mania.

2021-12-22

well, as usual, nothing interesting happens, there is one thing i wanted to tell, but i still will write about all day, cause why not

so, the day started at 11 am, i think. i woke up in the room i spend the most

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