Our servers are faster than your excuses for losing.
Blame Something Else!
We strapped a rocket to the best CPUs money can buy. We're not sure if it's safe, but damn is it fast.
By the time your brain processes the thought "I should buy a server," it's already online. We're watching. Always.
So intuitive, our office hamster, Sir Reginald, uses it to manage his seed inventory. He's very organized.
Choose your arena. Both are ridiculously overpowered.
| Location | CPU | Description |
|---|---|---|
MANASSAS, USA
|
AMD EPYC 9634 | Our US server is in Manassas. We picked it because the name is fun to say. It runs on a CPU so powerful it measures its processing speed in 'freedom units per second'. It's big, loud (probably), and deeply unnecessary. You'll love it. |
NUREMBERG, GERMANY
|
Ryzen 9 7950X3D | Our German server is a marvel of efficiency. It sorts its own recycling. It files its taxes on time. It will host your game with a quiet, judgmental competence that is both impressive and slightly terrifying. |
We host the games you waste your life on. We're not judging.
MINECRAFTPunch trees and build dirt huts with zero lag. Your magnum opus deserves a stable framerate. ORDER NOW |
|
FIVE MCommit felonies. Evade taxes. Live out your wildest fantasies without actual jail time. Fun! ORDER NOW |
|
BEAMMPPhysics-based car crashes that are more satisfying than they have any right to be. We get it. ORDER NOW |
|
And other games we might add if we feel like it... 
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Look, you're going to give us your money. We're going to give you a server. Let's not overcomplicate it. But since you scrolled this far, here's a button. We recommend not pressing it.
For when "overkill" is your starting point. Our pre-made plans are for mortals.
You, my friend, need to talk to a specialist in our Discord lab.
Unleash Your Inner Mad Scientist
| RAM: | £1.50/GB. Stack it until your PC develops an inferiority complex. |
| Storage: | £2/50GB NVMe. Load times so fast, you'll have time to question your life choices. |
| CPU: | Starts with 3 shared cores (our condolences). Upgrade for £3/core, or ascend to godhood with a dedicated core for £10. |
| Databases: | £1 each. We give you one for free. Don't get greedy. |
| Backups: | £1.25 per slot. The "Oops, I deleted everything" insurance plan. |
| Dedicated IP: | Currently off-menu. We're hiding them from the government. |
For those who find decisions stressful. Just pick one. No thinking required.
CPUMore cores than an apple orchard. Your game will run smoothly. That's the point. |
RAMEnough memory to remember all your bad decisions. And run your mods. Mostly the mods. |
STORAGEBlazing-fast NVMe SSDs. Because waiting for things to load is a problem for poor people. |
SUPPORTTalk to actual humans who know what a "GPU" is. A revolutionary concept, we know. |
And some we just made up to look smart.
Q: Are you still here?
A: Your future of flawless victory is one click away. Don't screw it up.
Fine, I'll Buy It
