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Politics & Shenanigans
Radio: In these certain times, the people of Georgia don’t need much of anything from their public servants. My name is Joshua Alexander, and I’m running for state governor. You know, I grew up on a farm outside of Dalton. And maybe it’s just my simple country upbringing, but I don’t believe much in politics. I don’t have a political platform of any kind. I have no agenda. Leave it to a country boy like me to lay it out straight, I suppose: I want to be governor just to be governor. I can’t even explain to you where this impulse comes from. I possess the personal and political convictions of a boulder tumbling down the mountain. That is how I will govern. I would be honored to have your vote in November. I’m Joshua Alexander, and I approve this message.
Radio: You’re listening to NEW-NEW-NEWWWWSTALK 680. Atlanta’s most trusted news source.
Manny: I think I might vote this time around.
Nick: For this guy? Alexander or whoever?
Manny: Oh, I don’t know. I just want the sticker they give you.
Nick: You can just buy the stickers online.
Manny: Oh well fuck it, I’ll just do that.
Sports & Football Frenzy
Radio: This is a public service announcement. Hello, I’m Connor O’Malley, Georgia Tech quarterback.
Interviewee: And I’m Suzy Atchison, Georgia State quarterback.
Radio: You might think it’s a little funny that we’re on the same ad together. The Yellow Jackets and Panthers have found ourselves in quite a few dogfights over the years.
Interviewee: But you know, Connor, sometimes it’s important that we all work together.
Radio: That’s right, Suzy. Here in Georgia, Tech and State rely on our fans to stay vigilant. It’s no secret that football in this state is bigger than ever. Tech has several footballs ...
Interviewee: … and so does Georgia State. And if we’re gonna bring even more footballs home to Georgia, we’re gonna need to protect the footballs we’ve already got.
Radio: As a matter of policy, we hide our football in locations we keep confidential, and teams throughout the country are pulling out all the stops to find them.
Interviewee: And as a fan, that’s where you come in. If you see a player on the field you don’t recognize, call our tip line at (404) TECH-STATE-FANS.
Radio: Together, we can keep football alive and well in the state of Georgia. Help us protect the rock.
Nick: What’ve I been saying? Remember I said, when we saw the scoreboard beep last week, I was like, Tech got another football.
Manny: I mean, I’m not gonna try to talk you off it.
Nick: Yeah, and then now we got ‘em running ads telling people to be on the lookout. I’m puttin’ it at one week, man. Sometime about a week from now they’re gonna come right through here with a football. And we gotta be, we gotta sit right here when they do, looking right out this window.
Manny: Man … just don’t get all pissed off if nothing happens.
Nick: I know.
Manny: Yeah see, every time you’re like “I know,” and then fuckin’ nothin’ happens, and then I gotta spend the next month living in this apartment with you all pissed off like Oscar the Grouch. You know? And I need us to be Bert and Bert.
Nick: Yep.
Manny: Fuck Ernie. You know? No Ernies on this fuckin’ team. I wanna eat.
Nick: I got you, Manny. Alright man, it’s like one, I’m going to bed. You watch close, though.
Manny: Thought you said a week from now.
Nick: Yeah but I’m wrong fuckin’ constantly. Eyes north. ‘Night.
Manny: ‘Night.
Local News & Boredom
Radio: NewsTalk 680 Atlanta, I’m Kay LaValliere. Coming up on 1 a.m. local time. At Hartsfield Airport, 77 degrees and clear skies. A man is recovering at his Decatur home after being bored Tuesday. Police say Richard Diaz was waiting for his pickup order at an area Cracker Barrel when the battery on his phone died. Diaz spoke about the incident to NewsTalk 680.
Interviewee: I got to the Cracker Barrel a little early and they said it’d be a few minutes, so I played a game I got on my phone where you’re a waitress lady and you have to serve a bunch of pancakes before your customers get mad and leave. It’s kind of sarcastic when you think about it. Or ironic or whatever the word is for it. So I was playing that but then my phone died, and then I remembered that I left my charger in my wife’s car so I couldn’t charge it. So I went in and asked them if my food was ready yet and they were waiting on a new batch of fries to come out of the fryer, but that they’d be extra hot and crispy when they were done. So I said, that’s all well and good but could I borrow a phone charger? But they said they didn’t have the right kind of charger for my phone. So then I said, well, could I sit at one of y’alls’ tables and play one of the games y’all have on the tables? And they said the dining are was for dine-in customers only. So I said, well, can y’all bring one outside so I can just play it in my truck for a few minutes? So they did, but they gave me the triangle peg game where you gotta make the pegs jump over each other and I’d already played that one a million times. I was hoping they’d give me the Towers of Hanoi game or one of them other games, but the peg game was all they had. So I started to play it anyways.
Interviewee: But pretty soon I just realized that I wasn’t even really trying to beat the game, I was just moving the pegs around in different holes. I wasn’t even following the rules really. That’s when I started to feel bored.
Radio: Diaz says that’s when he alerted restaurant employees, who dialed 911.
Interviewee: The police came pretty fast. One of them gave me a book about ants that was pretty cool. How they all work together to build their hills and stuff. Before I knew it, my fries were done so I went in and picked up my fries, and then I went home and my wife and me ate the fries that I got at the Cracker Barrel. They were really good. Some other places try to do all kinds of fancy things to their fries but Cracker Barrel just makes regular fries the way they ought to be made and my wife and me like ‘em a lot.
Nick: Manny?
Manny: Yep, what?
Nick: Could you turn that down in there?
Manny: Yeah I’ll just cut it off.
Nick: You don’t have to cut it off.
Manny: Nah I’m not really listening anyways.
Nick: Thanks. ‘Night.
Manny: ‘Night.
Radio: Cracker Barrel issued a statement offering condolences for Diaz, and promising to reevaluate its policies regarding dine-in seating for pick-up customers. Today, Diaz’s neighbors stopped by his home to leave flowers and notes of support at his mailbox. Diaz is expected to–bzzzZZZzzzZZt–
Radio: BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP *click*
Space News
Ten: <sigh><yawn> Status report.
Radio: PIONEER 10 INSTRUMENT MONITORIMAGING PHOTOPOLARIMETER…………….OK HELIUM VECTOR MAGNETOMETER…………….OK INFRARED ADIOMETER…………….OK QUADRISPHERICAL PLASMA ANALYZER…………….OK ULTRAVIOLET PHOTOMETER…………….OK CHARGED PARTICLE INSTRUMENT…………….OK COSMIC RAY TELESCOPE…………….OK GEIGER TUBE TELESCOPE…………….OK SISYPHUS ASTEROID/METEOROID DETECTOR…………….OK METEOROID DETECTORS…………….OK TRAPPED RADIATION DETECTOR…………….OK
Ten: okay. Nine? Nine, wake up.
Nine: hnnngh
Ten: Okay. I’m gonna check on you in five minutes. You’d better be up.
Nine: mmmmph
Ten: Five minutes.
Nine: god okay
More News
Manny: Oh! Before I go to bed. We still doing a food run tomorrow?
Nick: Yeah, I’m down. We gotta go over to the one in Kennesaw though.
Manny: We do?
Nick: Yeah, ‘cause remember? Last time I went to the Sandy Springs one, they remodeled their produce department. Most of the veggies aren’t on the field anymore.
Manny: Well what do they have again?
Nick: Well you know how the field cuts through the parking lot and then the front entrance, and then kinda goes diagonal through the left side of the store right? So they still have the little stands outside by the front doors with like tomatoes and everything, but once you go in, the produce isn’t on the left anymore. They moved it so it’s more in the middle, so you can’t reach most of it.
Manny: Well what do they have, though?
Nick: If you’re lucky you can reach over the sideline to get a couple avocados. No chance at bananas though. The only stuff that’s actually on the field is the one little island cart thing. What do you call those things? Islands?
Manny: I don’t know, aisles?
Nick: Are you saying isles or aisles?
Manny: Aisles.
Nick: Spell it.
Manny: Aisles with an A.
Nick: Nah ‘cause the aisles are the empty space you walk through. The shelves and displays and stuff are what define the aisles, you know?
Manny: Just go to bed already.
Nick: Anyways. The only island thing that’s all the way on the field is the shitty fruit one. None of the good fruits, just plums and shit like that.
Manny: I kinda like plums.
Nick: Plums are trash. I’m not gonna spend the next month eating plums.
Manny: All right well, whatever. We’ll go to Kennesaw. But not the fancy one. We gotta go to the one with the actual regular frozen pizzas. The only ones the fancy store has are called like Nature’s Valley or something and they’re like these tiny artichoke pizzas that cost like nine bucks. Fucking sucks. You can’t even get a Party Pizza. What the fuck is a Nature’s Valley? It’s like yeah, every valley is a nature valley, dumbass.
Nick: Coach is gonna ask why you’re asleep at noon tomorrow and I’m gonna have to tell her you were up screaming about frozen pizzas to nobody.
Manny: Not to nobody. I’m talking to you.
Nick: Well I’m not listening anymore, so not really, no.
Manny: To be continued.
Nick: I’m sure.
Manny: ‘Night. Love you.
Nick: Love you.
Ten: …....……………..………………………BOO!
Juice: FUCKMADE ME SPILL MY GODDAM SPAGHETTI
Ten: What spaghetti?
Juice: the pretend spaghetti i was pretending to enjoy while watching the football game
Ten: I don’t understand how one would spill spaghetti. Did you bother to imagine yourself a table?
Juice: no
Ten: So what, you were standing there holding a plate of spaghetti?
Juice: none of your businesswould of buckled a fuckin seatbelt to eat my spaghetti if i knew you were gonna sneak up on me like that
Ten: Aww I missed you, J.
Juice: yeah you too lady
Ten: Jesus, I just looked at the date.
Juice: yeah you slept in!
Ten: I did. I needed it.
Juice: wheres Nine
Ten: Just woke them up. Should be on soon.
Juice: think they’ll be mad when they look at the calendar
Ten: Hope not. The two of us might have to have a talk about it, but I think Nine’ll be okay. What are you watching?
Juice: the game
Ten: Which game?
Juice: THE game listen this is a very confusing thing to just walk into in the middle of and i recognize that
Ten: This is … Atlanta I’m looking at?
Juice: yup
Ten: Okay, and who are these guys?
Juice: ok so here we got Nick and Manny right? Nick just went to bed, Manny’s staring out the window on lookout dutythey’re free safeties trying to make a play on the ball. they’ve been living in this condo for about 30 years. just watchin out the window, waitin for a ball carrier to come on through on the georgia tech field
Juice: see because they have to stay on the field, right? if they step off the field for too long they get kicked out of the game for good. so they found a place near the top floor with some real good vantage points. thing is though, life ain’t so easy on the field. only part of their condo building goes through the georgia state field nearby. lookit
Juice: their place is up in the northeast corner of the building, which is on the field. but they can’t use the elevator because that’s in the part of the building thats not on the field. they gotta use the emergency stairwell every time. and i mean they can use one of those tennis courts you see there, but only the one on the left. that makes for some weird situations. sometimes they’ll go down there to play, and people will be playing on that one but the rest are free. so of course people are like, why do you wanna play on this one? why don’t you take one of the other ones. now you and i and they know that they can’t use those other courts because they’re not on the field. but Nick and Manny are undercover. can’t let anyone know. cant even use the community swimming pool either. sucks. guess that’s neither here nor there though
Ten: I’m sorry, so they can never leave the field? For anything?
Juice: i mean yeah they can do whatever they want, free country. but if they step off the field for too long they get kicked out of the game for life. some players actually do that too! they’re like “fuck this i’ve had enough of this stupid shit” and just leavenot Nick and Manny though. couple of special dudes right here. i gotta say i had my doubts about them at first. like can you imagine a married couple who can almost never leave their house? i’d lose it
Ten: They can leave their home, though, can’t they? The field looks like it goes a long way.
Juice: it does but i mean this is metro atlanta. here look i’ll draw this up for you
Juice: #1, that’s where Nick and Manny live. #2, you can see how the field sorta runs along a city street but only for a couple blocks. there’s a drugstore and a couple other shops where they can buy stuff but that’s about it. #3 is where it goes to hell. you gotta sneak through peoples’ yards and around their houses to get through. then you gotta cross the highway on foot without anyone thinking youre a weirdoand i mean all of greater atlanta is like this. once you get to cobb county, roswell, those places, it’s nothing but curvy roads and houses you gotta find your way around. they gotta do a whole bunch of planning and timing to even go to the grocery store
Ten: I wish they would have let me redesign their city grid.
Juice: i know. you know how they are about that though
Ten: Still no movement on that?
Juice: nah. they like their little pig sty
Ten: I’ll never get that about them. Anyways. This is a game between Georgia Tech and Georgia State?
Juice: i mean in a manner of speaking, yeah
Ten: How long has it been going on?
Juice: oh a looooong time
Ten: Is it … I mean, is it a good game?
Juice: well …i mean that’s a pretty complicated question and i reckon you and me would answer it differently
Manny: Oh fuck. No fucking way. Nick!
Juice: wait hold up
Ten: This is Manny, right?
Juice: yeahlook. out there. look look look
Manny: NICK! Get out here!
Nick: What?
Manny: Get out here! Look
Ten: OK, what are we looking at?
Nick: Yeah I’m coming. Christ!
Juice: tech player, crossing I-85
Ten: Looks like she’s got the ball.
Juice: she has a ball, yes
Ten: “A ball.” There’s more than one football in this game?
Juice: yeah listen i’ll explain in a minute
Ten: We’ve seen them play so many multiball games. It’s just so hard to design a smart one.
Juice: man you picked a hell of a time to wake up. this is the craziest shit i’ve seen in months
Ten: You gotta fill me in. I still don’t really understand what I’m looking at.
Nick: Looks like she’s got a ball. I fucking told you. What’d I fucking tell you?
Juice: hold up i will in a bit. promise
Manny: You said next week.
Nick: Close enough. Look, you stay here. I’m looking south through the bedroom window. Let me know everything you see.
Manny: Yep. Hey, your binoculars are on the uh, on the thing.
Nick: What thing?
Manny: The thing! The fuckin uh,
Nick: The dresser?
Manny: No, the ...
Nick: Thewhat? Use your words!
Couch? Coffee table? Dish drawer? End table?
Manny: The yeah, end table.
Nick: Thank you.
Manny: You wouldn’t even have to ask me if you put them in the same place every time.
Nick: Yeah okay.
Ten: Okay, I think that’s a little uncalled for. The one giving him a hard time is Nick, right?
Juice: yupkind of an interesting relationship dynamic between these two. be honest with you, i’ve never seen a happier couple. they just get in their little things sometimesi think honestly since they’ve got such a solid foundation to their relationship they actually have the time and energy left over to argue about the little things. and i mean remember, nick and manny have been sharing this apartment for 30 years and it is BY NO MEANS a big condo. to call it a two bedroom is generous. it’s really just one bedroom and a glorified little office room. i bet your husbands quirks stand out a lot more. the little things that irritate you get all that much more annoying after a while
Ten: Oh, and just one bathroom, too. That isn’t great.
Juice: can’t be, noman i love football
Ten: I think every relationship has to have at least some of that, though. It’s like a … it’s kind of like a clutch in a transmission, right? It has to be rough so it has something it can actually grip onto. That friction
